Buenos Aires: the shock of the familiar

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Sometimes first impressions are shaped as much by the place you just left as they are by the one you’re arriving in. I will always feel right at home in Australia because when I set foot in Sydney for the first time it immediately felt so much more British – or at least British – than California, which I had left fourteen hours thirty minutes and two days before on the other side of the International Date Line. As implausible as it sounds, I couldn’t quite shake the impression that United Airlines had deposited me in a giant, Pacific Rim Bournemouth, where the people were younger and the thermostat was set a little higher. It was a similar mélange of water, bungalows and affluence, though pies and Devonshire cream teas featured more prominently in Sydney than in southern England.

Something similar happened the day I first saw Buenos Aires.

We had left our hotel in Rio de Janeiro in a morning panic of heavy traffic and bad driving. With mountains restricting access to the central business district from its affluent coastal strip Rio’s rush hour is truly infernal; it makes London’s look like the joys of the open road. Despite his inability to steer a steady course our cab driver seemed determined to break a few world records – or necks – before the ride was over. Deposited early at Rio’s international airport, we had plenty of time to savour its damp, mouldering brutalist charms. My partner had an extended row with his bank in the UK by phone over its arbitrary decision to stop his ATM card from working. It was a dismal last taste of the cidade maravilhosa.

And then we arrived in Argentina and everything seemed to click into place. In contrast to the careworn, atrasado air of Rio-Galeão the Aeroparque Jorge Newbery created a snappy, businesslike first impression, with crowds striding purposefully across gleaming tiled floors. Gone were Rio’s exotic hills and dramatic beaches: in their place was architecture, something which had seemed almost incidental in Rio, for all Oscar Niemeyer’s efforts.

My sleep-deprived brain was back in Europe. On the smooth flight from Rio to Buenos Aires we’d fallen through a wormhole and somehow disembarked in a well-chosen anthology of the European Union’s Greatest Hits: Paris meets Madrid with an Italian accent, echoes of London and an unexpected schluck of upmarket Düsseldorf – sometimes all in the same street.

That feeling of ‘which continent is this?’ was to stay with me for the duration of our time in Argentina’s capital. It was reinforced that first afternoon on the Avenida de Mayo. Buenos Aires’ principal boulevard is a stunt double for the Champs Elysées and prima facie evidence of the city’s claim to be the Paris of South America, from its Subte metro stations to its turn-of-the-century arcades and impeccably Haussmann elevations. We stopped at an ice cream parlour; the gelato was delicious. We were surely in Italy?

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But the red cast iron postboxes were British through and through, their manufacturer’s names that intriguing mix of Hispanic forenames and British family ones that underlined how comfortably the Anglo- prefix once sat with the Argentine. The vast, derelict Harrods in Calle Florida is so fine and so central it’s a wonder the parent company hasn’t thought to reopen it. Everywhere there were branches of a clothing company whose brand name – Kevingston – paid unintended (if somewhat abbreviated) tribute to the glory of London’s former mayor. The smell of the Subte, the look of its century-old stations, the resigned, bored look of its commuters: all of these whispered ‘home’ to a misplaced Londoner.

Lovely, colonial San Telmo bore the stamp of Spain still, but the sleek dockside towers of the nearby Puerto Madero were Germanic in their smartness and modernity, complete with Mercedes dealership.

Where Rio’s rugged terrain and incomplete public transport had made exploring it a challenge, Buenos Aires was an easy city to explore on foot. And as we did so it became increasingly obvious that it has charms all of its own, which don’t need constant reference to European originals to give them meaning: vibrant painted facades in La Boca, Palermo Soho and Palermo Hollywood, the shock of subtropical colour that Jacaranda blossom lends those Parisian-style boulevards; the disarming warmth and friendliness of the people.

But inevitably, first impressions linger, even in a city as large and sophisticated as this. And all things considered, Europe’s Greatest Hits isn’t such a bad place to start.

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King’s Cross Square: a place for us?

To King’s Cross on a sunny winter afternoon, to evaluate at first hand the new public space that has replaced the sorry mess of prefabricated mediocrity that blighted the front of the station from 1972. It achieved a certain notoriety on the night of the King’s Cross fire, when it became a visual metaphor for everything that was wrong with Britain’s dilapidated transport infrastructure as the Thatcher years reached their apogée.

When the new square was unveiled in the autumn of last year the London-based national press gushed with the sort of onanistic hyperbole only the truly parochial can do, lauding it as though the Piazza Navona had mated with the ice rink in front of the Rockefeller Center to produce the very acme of urbanism al fresco.

The truth is somewhat more prosaic. The square is handsome enough but it’s functional rather than decorative; more Ryanair Square than Place de la Concorde. There’s a distinct shortage of baroque fountains, hissing espresso machines and Audrey Hepburn lookalikes. And there’s little that can be done about the British climate.

The real surprise is how fine Lewis Cubitt’s austere station building looks now that it has been so splendidly refurbished. It is the pièce de résistance of the King’s Cross regeneration. The neighbourhood I called home from 1988 to 1991 is looking better than it ever did, and the new development is, for the most part, progressing with tact and sensitivity towards the area’s existing landmarks.

If I have a reservation about it, it’s that regeneration in London so often goes hand in hand with gentrification, which suggests British planners have yet to find a way of successfully reinvigorating existing communities rather than supplanting them with newer, wealthier ones. I can’t help but think that amid the welter of advertising agencies and tapas bars the existing working class King’s Cross is being quietly edged aside.  Perhaps it doesn’t pay to be too sentimental about the old King’s Cross: this was an insalubrious part of the capital where the traditional street trader’s cry wasn’t ‘who will buy?’ but ‘fiver with a rubber, dear?’

And yet I wonder where all this is heading. One day, when everywhere in inner London has been regenerated, gentrified or otherwise re-imagined for the affluent, where will the ordinary people live? Will they be told – as inner London residents are already being told by the crasser sort of backbencher – that they must leave their homes because improvement has made them suddenly desirable?

We live in an age in which politicians seem to wish the poor would simply go away. Too often, regeneration seems like the physical manifestation of that uncharitable impulse.  And no amount of tasteful new paving can disguise it entirely.

When the feasting had to stop: the Accident & Emergency diet

I start the year with a cautionary tale.

I am a professional glutton. As a travel writer and serial reviewer of restaurants, I over-eat for a living. And it’s no penance: I love to eat, and most of all I love to eat well, in fine restaurants with starched napery and long and interesting wine lists.

There is one obvious downside to this sybaritic existence: the never-ending struggle between gustatory pleasure and an expanding waistline. I have often promised myself that this year I will only eat half of what is put in front of me, or that only the smallest of glasses of wine, judiciously sipped, will accompany my restaurant meals.

But it never seems to work out that way.

There’s an element of professional pride in all this. Denial in the face of abundance seems akin to dereliction of duty. I’m paid to evaluate plenty, and as a reviewer there is no inspiration to be found in a dessert skipped or an amuse bouche untasted. There have nevertheless been times – as I guzzled my way manfully from foie gras to bavarois – when I wondered if all this over-indulgence is entirely good for me, and if there might, at some stage, be a reckoning.

This month it came to pass. Instead of enjoying New Year’s Eve in the company of an attentive maître d’, I spent it as a guest of the equally diligent National Health Service. I was admitted to hospital on 31st December with horrible abdominal pains caused by diverticulitis, a condition associated with ageing, physical inactivity, lack of dietary fibre, obesity and – oddly – the use of ibuprofen. A sobering list, not least because I am relatively fit and active, visit the gym regularly and haven’t relinquished control of my waistline without a fight.

Diverticular disease is extremely common, but if the condition is mundane the pain certainly wasn’t. The treatment was pure torment. For the first few days I was ‘nil by mouth’ – allowed only sips of water. Repenting of all those four- and five-course dinners yet an epicure to the last, I craved soup – and not just any soup. Miso figured highly in my fevered imaginings, as did the delicious clear broth I had enjoyed with my Hainanese chicken rice in Singapore.   When it came, the hospital’s soup was rather less flavoursome, but after two and a half days of fasting it seemed like a feast.

With diagnosis came an answer to the riddle of why I always felt full, even when I felt hungry. After four nights in hospital on intravenous antibiotics my weight problem began to melt away like so much snow in summer. I lost more than 6kg in a week, making the Accident & Emergency diet an unpleasant but undeniably effective one.

If there’s a moral to my story it’s simply this: don’t ignore symptoms, even if you feel a bit silly going to your doctor with something as vague as ‘feeling bloated’.

And if you’re a food writer or restaurant critic, be kind to your digestive system. It’s one of the tools of your trade; you won’t get another.  Slow down, savour your food; chew. And along with the truffles and petits fours, try to pop something healthy into your mouth now and then.

QE2: a strange kind of snobbery

It was a sad Christmas for anyone who loves ships, with rumours in the UK newspapers that the QE2 has been sold to Chinese shipbreakers. It was scarcely a surprise, for the post-career fate of even the greatest of ships is not often a long or happy one. The last great ocean liner to be built in the UK, the Queen Elizabeth 2 has languished in the Gulf since 2008, when in a fit of national absent-mindedness the British allowed a priceless piece of their maritime heritage to pass from her American owners to an improbable venture in that most implausible of places, Dubai.

If (as seems likely) her fate is to be cut up for Chinese razor blades, QE2 will be the victim of a strange sort of heritage snobbery, in which a fourth-rank country house or a work of the Quattrocento acquired on some long-forgotten aristocratic grand tour becomes an object of priceless worth to be saved for the nation, while the largest and most beautiful artefacts of Britain’s lost industrial genius are regarded as expendable. Of all the hundreds of stately passenger ships produced on the Tyne, Clyde, Lagan and Mersey in the century up to 1970, Britain has managed to preserve precisely none.

What is it about French discos?

The modern discothèque was invented in Paris in the early fifties, when Régine installed coloured lights and twin turntables in a place called Whisky a Go Go.

France’s contribution to dance music did not end there. Daft Punk are French. Voyage were among the classiest Eurodisco acts of the late seventies and they were French, though they recorded their oeuvre in Soho. I’m reasonably certain Amanda Lear is French too, though ‘I’m reasonably certain’ is not a phrase commonly associated with Ms Lear.

Without Ottowan, would we have ever known how to spell D.I.S.C.O?

I’m getting that out of the way now because the rest of this may not be as relentlessly positive as the lovely people at Maison de France would like.

I spent much of the summer on the Riviera researching the upcoming edition of the Rough Guide to Provence and the Côte d’Azur – a hardship posting, to be sure – and once again found myself pondering what it is that makes French nightclubs so very, very odd.

Go anywhere else in the western world and you know pretty much what to expect: a gaunt, slightly tatty vastness in a redundant cinema or factory, ear-splitting volume, iffy loos and a doorman with the physique (and capacity for self-deprecation) of an armoire.

There are individual national characteristics, of course. In San Francisco they loved my accent. In Sydney they regarded drug taking as a competitive sport, and were tireless in their efforts to snort harder, party longer and fly higher. In Germany they take a redundant factory, replace it with a bigger, newer, shinier, more profitable one, then fill the old place with an electronic approximation of men hammering on pipes. In Spain, it’s compulsory to have a skinny tranny dancing on a box. In platform boots.

And then there’s France.

French discos want to be restaurants when they grow up. Most – in the south of France at least – are already more than halfway there, with elegant dining sections in shades of white and more white that are light years from a sweaty German techno hangar. The French seem to believe the perfect preparation for a night of throwing shapes is to wash down three courses of foie gras, truffles and tournedos Rossini with a cheeky bottle of Cheval Blanc ’82.

Why this should be so is not entirely clear.

Dancing and eating are odd bedfellows. Strobe lighting does not flatter your food. And the food in the average discothèque – even the average French discothèque – does not enjoy the best of reputations. Even if Alain Ducasse peeled the potatoes, there’s an obvious mismatch between stuffing your face and strutting your stuff. Does it matter how refined the food is, if you crown your night of Riviera fun by hurling expensively over your shoes?

In part, the intention is surely to intimidate. If you’re worrying about a little thing like the APR on that Cheval Blanc you’re clearly too impecunious for clubbing in Cannes or St Tropez. Spirits are priced by the bottle. It keeps the cheapskates at bay, while promoting the emetic effect of dancing on a full stomach.

Of course, I’m being disingenuous. The ideal customer is not a dancer at all, but a spender. Which explains the roués’ gallery that is the photo section of the club’s Facebook page, full of the sort of men who have known business or creative success, the joys of golf club membership and the tribulations of white loafers without socks. They may not dance ’til dawn, but their credit rating will keep them in €140 bottles of vodka a good deal longer.

I can see the business case for all this; I just can’t see what might make it enjoyable. If I want to eat out, I’ll go to a restaurant. If I want to dance, I’ll skip the foofy gastronomicals. The last people I want to bump into at five in the morning are Bono, Berlusconi or anyone who looks remotely like them in the dim light of a Caves du Roy dawn. And if I want the heady sensation of money sucking out of my account so fast I can hear the sloosh, I will give my bank details to a polite Nigerian businessman who just wants to deposit a few million in my account for a while. Or seek out one of Islington’s excitingly expensive parking spaces.

So sorry, France. I’m sitting this one out.

Belgium. So much more than Death Race 2000


Belgium requires concentration. I cross it by car four or five times a year, zipping through to Aachen from Calais or Dunkerque, usually on my way to Austria. The Belgians have their own special driving style, which combines a lemming-like fondness for following their neighbour with a carefree approach to pulling out that always ensures a lively, exciting ride. It’s no surprise that the road death statistics are roughly twice as bad as those for the Netherlands, a country with which Belgium shares a language, a border, a landscape and a population density usually found only in flash mobs.

Just across the border from Dunkerque the motorway does a slight kink to avoid the town of Veurne. And perhaps it’s merely the novelty of having to turn the wheel, but Veurne always registers in a way so many of the Belgian towns I speed past fail to. It helps that the traffic isn’t as fearsome as the Death Race 2000 rerun that is the Brussels Ring. Plus, there’s a promising-looking cluster of spires and belfries roughly where the signs suggest Veurne will be.

So this time I gave in to my curiosity and pulled off the motorway for a closer look. And do you know what? Veurne is lovely, with one of those step-gabled Flemish market squares that calls for chips all round and a trappist beer or three. It has a Unesco world heritage site, no less.

So here’s a tip. When you’ve been cut up by an apparently suicidal Fleming in a dented Peugeot for the umpteenth time, do yourself a favour and pull off the motorway.

It may save your life. It’ll certainly transform your impressions of Belgium.

The elusive magic of a French fishing village

I cut my teeth as a guidebook writer one humid, horizon-expanding summer along the Côte d’Azur. And ever since I have been susceptible to the will o’the wisp charms of the French fishing village. Perfection for me doesn’t involve too much piscine authenticity: I require neither fish processing plants nor rusty Russian factory ships. The stench of rotting fish heads fails to make it onto my ticklist.

What I want is a café-lined harbour, grilled loup or daurade with a glass of rosé, a bit of a beach and enough cultural associations to pass the time while the tan peels off.

Aha, you may think. St Tropez!

Er, no.

Though it’s just about bearable in May and occasionally magical in September (when Les Voiles fills the harbour with beautiful sailing yachts) Saint-Too-Much long ago became de trop, full of needy B-listers silently screaming LOOK AT ME. In high season the harbour is a hell of enormous motor yachts and enormous crowds. On the quayside, pseudo-artists sell execrable paintings of places like St Tropez in the sort of toxic colours that are usually on special offer. Giles the hedge fund manager guns the motors on his yacht to give the people on the café terraces their daily dose of particulates. The yachts berth stern-first; their exhausts point inland. So the espresso-sippers get it with both barrels. They get it in the wallet too, mugged for the audacious price of a cup of coffee. In short, St Tropez is what happens to a fishing village when it has botox and a boob job.

But if not there, where then? Villefranche? Charming, but a bit too sanitised. La Ciotat? Lovely, but the view from the quay is of ships getting their bottoms scraped.

I thought for a long time that it might be Cassis. This little outstation of Marseille really is lovely, sandwiched between the bone-white rocks and turquoise waters of the Calanques and the vertigo-inducing cliffs of the corniche des Crêtes. It has a modest crescent of beach, and a rather more immodest line-up of restaurants on the quayside. But alas, Cassis is these days no undiscovered secret: the property prices climb ever higher, and on summer weekends the village is a traffic jam in search of a parking space.

This summer, however, I think I may have found what I was looking for…

The perfect French fishing harbour…Sanary-sur-Mer